Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
