So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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