My Higher Power is John Stamos
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
