I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
