I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
