i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
