If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
