ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
