I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
