i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
