I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
