if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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