Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
