I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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