i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
