I wish I could teleport
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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