ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
