i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
wanna go halves on a baby?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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