i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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