Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
