I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
