This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
