1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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