haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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