Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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