woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
