I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
