Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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