so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
