Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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