i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
