Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I wear drunk well.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
