we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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