Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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