How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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