The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
