I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
