Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
