nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He told me they were just razor bumps!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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