my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
