I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
