There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
