We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
