it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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