She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
