he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
