She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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