Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
