Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I smell like Dick and happiness
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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