I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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