sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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